starIn My Desperate Love Diary Kelly Ann and her friends composed some truly dreadful poetry. Can you write verses as dire as theirs or even worse perhaps?

Every month I will award a prize to the very worst example of desperately bad poems I receive. The lucky winners will receive a signed copy of My Desperate Love Diary to treasure (or hawk on eBay). Exceptionally awful entries may also be published on my website.

So you think you could pen stuff as bad as or even worse than these examples from My Desperate Love Diary below? Really? Oh My God! Okay then EMAIL ME. Good luck! (Sorry, please note that the competition is for UK and Ireland residents only.)


(1) Kelly Ann’s Ode to Her One True Love ‘G’

Oh G, Oh G, Oh G.
Where art thou Oh G?
Will you ever be
With me?

Oh G, Oh G, Oh G
I still do pine for Thee.
Can’t you and I be
A ‘we’?

(2) Stephanie’s Valentine Verse Suggestion

I love you more with each passing day
So let’s have a quickie unless you’re gay.

(3) Liz’s Valentine Verse Suggestion

G, for your body I do hanker
It’s such a pity you’re a total ……

(4) From Stephanie on Unrequited Love

Come back Ian my lusty pig hand lover
Give me your willingness and you’ll discover
With my hand on yours it’ll be no surprise
Your love for me will grow and thicken and rise.

Come back Ian and don’t be such a wimp
Stay by me and you’ll never, ever go limp
Thrust yourself in my general direction
And I’ll take care of your dejection.

(5) And finally, Liz’s views on the psychology of love in verse (sort of)

Love is like an illness, an illness of the head
If you are rejected,
Don’t feel dejected
Just seek professional counselling instead.

Love is like a sickness, a sickness of the mind.
If you want to stalk,
Instead take a walk
To a psychologist both wise and kind.

Love is like a neurosis, a psychosis most vile
Good psychoanalysis
Cures your paralysis
But it will cost you an enormous great pile.

So now you’ve seen just how bad the competition is, can you possibly do worse? Can’t wait to read your excruciatingly execrable efforts. (Please note – entrants must be 13+).

Good luck!