• Wish I'd known at 17Very few people look good wearing a crotch length smock dress teamed with sturdy brown leather walking boots. I wasn’t one of them. (Think Florence of Magic Roundabout – my new nickname after my debut in this outfit.)
    • Not having a date on Saturday night didn’t mean that I was a sad, social outcast loser. It just meant that I didn’t have a date on Saturday night.
    • On no account should you agree with your best friend that her ex was a boring ugly tosser and then add that you’re glad they’ve split as you could never stand him. Next week they will have got back together and your best friend will be your ex.
    • If someone doesn’t fancy you then they just don’t fancy you and nothing will make them change their minds. This includes spending a fortune on clothes and make up, dying your hair, and boning up on their astrological sign. It also includes prayer, witchcraft and stalking. They just don’t fancy you. Deal with it.
    • Punch made with vodka, cheap sparkling wine and pure alcohol stolen from the chemistry department is highly intoxicating even when mixed with very sweet fruit juice. Quaffing such a concoction from pint glasses is A VERY BAD IDEA.
    • All-night parties are not fun. All-night parties mean sleeping on a hard sticky floor next to two dozen beer cans, overflowing ashtrays and several comatose fellow guests who by morning will, like you, smell worse than the beer cans and ashtrays. You will waken with a humungous hangover and be forced to help tidy up. I repeat all-night parties are not fun
    • Nicotine is extremely addictive. Don’t start smoking unless you want to wind up with unattractive patches stuck to every square centimetre of your body whilst chewing bad tasting gum but still wanting to bite your knuckles off.
    • Wearing miniskirts with matching coloured knickers (so it didn’t matter if your underwear showed) was not classy but rather tacky.
    • Platform shoes did not make me look taller. They made me look like a short person wearing platform shoes.
    • My mother was not a stupid, ignorant although lovable old thing. She was actually a witty, wise and exceptionally intelligent woman who had the good grace to be amused rather than annoyed at my teenage arrogance. Sorry, Mum.
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